A Black cat sitting on the windowsill- The coolest cat up on the hill; Sitting there taking in all that sun. Living in the moment, he knows how to have fun.
On a summer day my body trembles feeling Winters bite. Isolation and a strange sensation of loss emerge within me. The window calls out, ” what a day?. “I see bikers kissing the wind, as they wave to pedestrians. I hear echos of laughter in my head.
What’s wrong with me? There is beauty all around ; There is life whispering in the breeze, yet I feel such loss. My eyes gaze back to the black cat sitting in the morning sun.
In one rush , the winds of understanding fall upon my chest. I gasp for breath. Even though this is old news, My heart reads the news with full awareness. Twenty years ago someone ,very dear to me ,ends his life on this day.
My brother, he is really gone. I ache because I feel the realness of his death. I ache to know this tradjedy came by his choice. The man who fills my world with music, and laughter takes his own life.
Today, For the first time, I feel the loss of my cool cat, my long lost brother. I see his philosophy….just smile at the passing white clouds when the world is crumbling. How is it possible to miss such pain?
I remember him saying ” one of these days, Im going to make things right.” To me he didn’t need to change. He is just what a big brother should be. He belongs to a band. He breaks state records. He lives. I dont notice the drugs poisoning his mind. I don’t notice his guilt over past mistakes. I can’t grasp the blame he carries for the death of his sibling. I don’t notice his failing marriage; I dont notice his failing business. I don’t see damage. I see glitter and shine.
I am a teenager. I see only the pictures he paints for his younger sister. ” Live life and bask in the sun. It gets better when you grow up….You can do better for yourself. …Don’t worry it will get better”. I believe evey word out of his mouth. He seems to know so much about life. I am eager to hear what he has to say. It makes so much sense. So, how does suicide make sense?
The day he dies, My ability to be in the moment is no more. It is too unbearable to imagine a world without his laughter. I have felt a missing piece. I am not the same. My rain falls as I realize that bitter truth.
Oddly, I feel different in saying this out loud. I smile as I gaze back at that cat. It’s nice to let my brother in. It’s been a long time since I thought of him. The sun shines ; I feel a shift. Letting in the sadness makes room for peace, and appreciation. I really see him, I cant help but smile.
I am grateful for the positive spin he put on my childhood. He gives generously to help my mom after my dad dies. He steps up, and tries to be a positive voice for change.
Today, I understand, he does the best he can with his circumstances. He never stops, I guess exhaustion finally wins as he gives out. His world is constantly spinning to avoid his own inner conflicts. He never says hello to any sadness.
I have a need to live in truth, not some version of truth. I dont have the energy to keep running. The truth is I miss my brother. He isn’t there in any of my wedding photos. He never met my husband. I miss his corny jokes. I’m sad how he dies. I’m grateful, that I don’t have those graphic images in my mind. Suddenly, im happy to have my own memories to hold on to.
Just like the weather; my feelings seem to change in a matter of minutes. I see so clearly, there is good and bad. It’s just part of life. Facing inner conflicts is the road to peace and balance. Making pain speakable pulls out the poison destroying the body. It’s opening the window to let fresh air in.
With that crisp air ,I can see that Life is wonderful. I read the Bible, and let its pages heal my heart. For now I take comfort in knowing my brother sleeps…I will see him in paradise. Until That day I smile at the cool cat sitting in the mid day sun. Good by my brother. See you soon. May you rest in peace.